To tell you honestly, I'm really sleepy already but still, I'm forcing myself to stay awake. It's because of the fact that when I sleep now, the moment I wake up will be a few hours before I go back to reality. Yes you've guessed that right, on Tuesday my classes will resume. This really saddens me
but no, seriously. Well of course I know that there's no way I could fuckin escape this. We need to go to school to study in order to be successful in the future but, just like everyone else, I still don't feel like going. Sure, seeing your friends, classmates and orgmates again would be fun but I still feel fuckin lazy! Just only thinking about class and acads stuff now makes me wanna melt down or dissolve into nothingness hahaha. If I just could only escape this reality and jump into the anime world or make my life just like in the animes/mangas, I would have done it a long time ago. Reality hurts and sucks so why not? I'll bet anime life will going to be a lot times cooler and better for sure!
I know it's really kinda pathetic to be worrying about this thing. I mean, going back to school must not be treated as a problem 'cause it's definitely not a problem. But! Here I am, the almighty me, dying right now just because I don't wanna go back to school yet! Yeah, I gotta admit it, I sound just like a kid from third grade but I don't fuckin' care. This is what I currently feel right now so I wanna spat it out. Though I wanna say sorry to my older sister who currently supports my education because this may sound rude but I know you'll understand later on what I'm trying to say here... I know I have a lot more problems to think about other than this so called problem of mine but I can't help it okay? The society, the country and the world have waaaaaaaaaaaay bigger problems compared to mine so why am I even stressing myself about this?! I don't fucking know okay?! But on second thought, maybe I do know...
Daily quizzes, exams, recitations, reports, readings, book reviews, reaction papers, papers, papers and a lot more papers!!! FUCKIN PAPERS!!! I'm not even good at writing damnit! Come to think of it, I've been doing this for the past 2 years now and I'm currently on my 3rd year since I'm already in my junior year in college. My course requires it so there's nothing I can do but rant. Probably, you will be wondering "then why did you chose that course?" Well it's a long story and I'll explain it later. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my course. I was not familiar about it at first but when I got to learned about it, I came to love it. I had lots of fun experiences and memories because of this course but the point is, I don't feel like my heart is really into this. It's like, I'm just doing this because it's my course, it's required. But the passion? It's not there.
The only thing that keeps me going is that, I need to finish this so I can get a job to earn money in the future. If I don't, I will starve in poverty and die. Well maybe that's a bit exaggerating though but that's how life goes right? Wait! Before you throw me your violent reactions on what I have said, I just want to explain my side first, to make things clear. Yes, I know being unable to finish your studies will not starve you in poverty and die since there are a lot of ways in order to survive [illegal ways are of course not included] BUT! This is only possible if you are any of the following:
- hard-working - if you're hard-working, even if you were not able to finish your studies, anything is possible! A hard working person can achieve anything since he/she does his/her best in order to attain his/her goals
- talented - if you have the talent and the skills, I'm sure you can make/earn something from it!
- lucky - if you hit jackpots, contests, game shows, lotteries, etc. But of course it's not only about winning in such! There are a lot of other things like:
- you're a son/daughter of a millionaire or someone who owns a big company that will just be passed on you so you don't have to study and find a job for yourself (YOU'RE LUCKY!)
- you have family or friends that are willing to sustain your living (YOU'RE LUCKY!)
- you've adopted by Bill Gates (YOU'RE LUCKY!)
But most of the time? the people who have the chance of being lucky are the ones who are hard working and talented.
And if you're not any of these three, well I guess you won't really survive... Unless you finished your studies, get a job and get paid. Nowadays, having a degree is really needed to have a decent job! To cut this short, even college grads are having a hard time in finding a job to earn for a living so what more the ones who weren't able to finish them right? Yeah I might be ranting about going to school but I do know how important education is.
OKAY BACK TO THE ORIGINAL SUBJECT OF MY JOURNAL ENTRY! [sorry I think I got carried away]
I started to feel like this during this Christmas vacation. Realizations began hitting me from nowhere! They hit me so fuckin hard it terribly hurts. And the culprit? Well it's none other than...DRAWING!!! As you can see, during this Christmas break, I was very active here in deviantart. Before my classes resume, I was able to finish 7 deviations: 1 Team 7 digital artwork, 1 GrayLu comic strip and 5 pages of my SasuSaku doujin. When I finished my Team 7 digital work, I said to myself that I should rest for a little bit because it took me soooooooooo long before I could finish that piece [it was really tiring and exhausting!] but, the next thing I knew, I was already drawing again. Whenever I was finished, I proceed on drawing again the next day and the next day and the next day which is why I was able to put up consecutive pages of my doujin. Then I became completely engrossed with drawing including my drawing skills and abilities...
Before anything else, before I became addicted with DoTA and even way before I became a hardcore SasuSaku shipper, I can say that I fell in love with drawing starting from the day I learned to hold any kind of writing/drawing material [pencil, crayons, etc] Ever since I was a kid, I already love drawing. Having a family with numerous artists [mostly on the father side] was really a huge factor I guess. I and my older sister got into drawing except my older brother. Even though there are a lot of family members who can draw, including our father, we were not taught by any of them. There are nothing like "Okay Diane, this how you draw a person" or "I will teach you how to color", there are none. We basically learned from observing them, the things around us and of course the shows we watch [cartoons and anime].
I remember drawing big houses is one of my favorites when I was little. I would draw the outside appearance and even the inside [furnitures, rooms, gadgets, etc]! It's because I always dream of having one someday so fuck yeah. But it's all fuckin gone now because I don't draw houses anymore, maybe because I became not into drawing structures and buildings when I grew up. Moving on, my favorite cartoon characters to draw [since I was still not very familiar with animes] were the Power Puff Girls! I would usually draw them inside their bed room with lots of different stuff. I even drew myself as one of them and called myself "Rocker Puff Girl"
And so my artsy-fartsy adventure went on...
When I entered school, I would always loved it whenever our assignments will include drawing or coloring something. Because of that, my teachers and classmates started to notice my skills. Well I'm not boasting or anything but I also knew to myself that compared to them, my drawing ability is better. It was during my elementary days that I started to became known in the campus for being good at drawing plus other artsy-farsty stuff. This carried on when I entered high school. I joined the school's drawing contests and fortunately won [ I also won a competition outside school]. Teachers would always ask for my help regarding with invitations, posters, bulletins, visual aids, stage designs, etc. They even asked for my drawing plates portfolio in order to be the guide/model for the next batches/years. I remember I would always extend time and stay in school for a little longer just to make my plates better haha! And I hate it when somebody copies the way I draw or color [selfish huh?] Those were the glory days of my drawing skills I guess... When we graduated, I was very sure that I was the one with the highest drawing ability.
But of course, as the saying goes, change is the only permanent thing in this world...
When I was little, I dreamed of being a stewardess but when I learned about my vertigo, I gave up on it. So from being a stewardess, I shifted into becoming a doctor. My parents are also happy with it, they are like looking forward in me being a doctor in the future so they supported my dream. Starting elementary until high school I was sure I am going to take medicine at the future. Not until when I was already filling up my application form for college. I thought, why would I choose pre-med courses? In order to study medicine and eventually become a doctor? Is that really my dream? Is that what my heart says? Or is it just because it is the one that will make my parents happy? So I searched deep, deep, deep inside my heart and there, found an answer. Why would I be a doctor if my forte is drawing? Shouldn't I choose a course that will match and will enhance my skills? With these I decided that I will choose and take up a course that is in line with my ability! Indeed, drawing is where my heart is. Drawing is my PASSION!
But that was what I thought. When I opened up about taking courses like Fine Arts, Interior Design and such, my parents did not approve about it. The first thing that they told is that, what will I become after I graduate? Can I ever find a job? What happen to your dream being a doctor? My father also said that I can only find jobs through these if I got connections. I was really hurt back then. I was very sad because it seems that everyone is against it. Well, I guess except for my sister who said that I should pick the course that I want to so that I will not regret it eventually. [LOL I'm actually crying right now] Thus, I forced myself to swallow up everything. I banged into my head the reality that I won't be able to find a job and earning money would be hard with these. Then I gave up and went back to picking pre-med courses.
I passed on the University I applied on but unfortunately didn't get into the courses I checked in my Application form so I have to choose again 4 courses with available slot. I chose 2 pre-med courses and 2 other courses that my mother recommended. I got in with one of the courses my mother suggested. I was already enrolled, paid my tuition, got my I.D., had a block lunch with my block mates and had a campus tour when the Office of the University Registrar called. They asked me if I'm still going to get my slot since I got into one of the pre-med courses I chose. So I said no since I'm already enrolled and everything with the other course. And this course is my course up until now. I told myself that on my 2nd year, I'll just shift on a pre-med course but it didn't happen. I decided not to shift because I know our family was facing a financial crisis and I doubt that I would able to continue this med dream since it's very expensive. In the end I stayed up with this course and probably would finish with it [hopefully next school year].
I never forgot about drawing. When I was on my freshie year, I had a notebook where I doodle and draw but eventually I stopped from doing it. I was able to make 5 digital artworks and submitted them here on deviantart [I still have no tablet during this time] On my 2nd year, I was able to do only 2 digi artworks since acads stuff became more toxic and my mind became so much occupied with org matters. Now on my 3rd year, my passion on drawing started re-burning when I bought my tablet. But I then again, these are not enough to enhance my drawing abilities which makes me frustrated. I love drawing so much that it breaks my heart to see my potential,abilities and skills to be dull and stagnant like this...
My frustration increases whenever I see the artworks of my friend, former high school classmate, who is now currently taking up a degree program in line with drawing [I forgot whether it's interior design or something like that]. I remember when my drawing skills are still better than her back in our high school days but now? I'm 100% no match for her, no doubt about it. Every time I would come across her drawings and paintings on facebook, I honestly want to cry. Yes I envy her. I envy her drawings, I envy her paintings, I envy her because she was able to become that good, I envy her she was able to take up a course which I was not able to, I envy her progress, I JUST ENVY HER! I could say that I, being the top artist in our batch is now only a fleeting memory...
I guess my skills didn't leveled up. I even think that they have weakened. Whenever I see a lot of great artists here on DA, I feel so inspired but at the same time I feel frustrated. If only I was able to pick my choice of degree program/course... Sometimes, I just want to give it up but I really can't. It's my talent, I don't want it to die. Adding up the support I am constantly receiving from you guys, the hits, comments, favs and downloads, it gives me courage to hold on and become all fired up again. Whenever I make deviations, I would always laugh at myself and ask why am I pouring my heart, time and effort on this artwork? It's not like I'm getting paid or whatever when I finished it. But I realized, it doesn't matter. The important thing is I was able to share my art with you guys and I was able to make you guys happy. That's enough for me.
Last Wednesday, Jan 1, 2014, I cried because Artgerm, one of my idol artists and current inspirations, answered my question. I never thought that he would reply since he receives tons of messages everyday and he is really a busy person. I cried because I was so happy and inspired at the same time. Actually, I was depressed during that time because of all these drawing/art shit realizations I have been thinking of since the start of Christmas vacation. I wanted to cry but tears won't just fall down. But when Artgerm replied, I bursted into tears, seriously, this is no joke. I swear to God I cried, not just a single tear, I totally cried. It's like it was a ray of light emanating hope and saying "It's okay Diane, I believe in you! You can do it! But as for now, it's alright to let it all out" So then I cried. It maybe exaggerating and corny but that's how I felt when I read his reply. Artgerm fangirl? Well I wouldn't be ashamed of that, he's a great artist anyway [if only I could just study under their program...] After that promised to myself that I will never give up! I can do this! Believe it! My New Year's Resolution for 2014 is to enhance my drawing skills! My ever supportive older sister gave me 2 books to read about drawing and advised me to draw and sketch everyday to practice. I started reading the books and practice drawing will be starts tomorrow! I'm aiming to be a great digital artist in the future
Ever since, I've been dreaming to become a great artist someday and prove to my parents that I can make something out from it. I remember when they would scold me before whenever they see me drawing/sketching. They would say I'm just wasting my time. So I said to myself, I'll be fuckin famous someday because of this what you called "waste of time"! Just you wait and see!!!
Undoubtedly, this is the longest journal entry that I made. I don't really care if no one would read this but I am thankful that I was able to express my feels somehow. And I seldom update my journal so I think being this long is totally fine.
I don't want to go to school 'cuz I still want to draw and enhance my drawing abilities but, whatever, I'll still draw anyways!
By the way, I was really happy my Team 7 digi artwork made 1,000+ hits in just 10 days! Normally, it would take months and sometimes a year for my deviation to hit 1k but now, it's just totally amazing! THANK YOU VERY MUCH GUYS!!!
New pages of SASUSAKU: My Pink-Haired Punk are now up [including 1 colored page]! Stay tuned!
and of course, a cute and sweet GrayLu comic strip for all GrayLu Shippers out there!
That's it for now! Bye~